More Stress Information

Really, calendars are my problem, I decided. I was sitting here talking with Amy Palmer about a Daniel Fast that she's doing - who thinks about fasting anymore?! - and the schedule came up, since we were talking about when we want to try to do a harp-and-bowl cycle on Kingsley campus sometime. We were going to do one next week, but we will be traveling on the weekend to Wilson's Promontory, which is supposed to be some fantastic photography :-) Our other free night, Wednesday, will be taken up by a performance of Titus Andronicus that I am going to - that we thought was tonight, and then wasn't. Anyways, I was saying we could do it the first week in November, but we have a lot due that week - Our final paper and project for Australian History (we are actually in the same group for our presentation), a book for Life in the City, and then I have a church report for Christianity and Postmodernism. AAAAHHHH!

How did this happen? How did I end up with a knowledge of when all my major assignments are due? That isn't supposed to happen 'til the end of the semester! Granted, that's only four weeks away or so... But still! I can say what I have due every week for the rest of the semester, and that's just ridiculous. Should I have so much of the future in mind, or should I be more concerned with the present?

As we were working on our IS today, another point was made - I often lose sight of how much work I actually accomplish. I read two books and wrote two papers, one on a movie that I had to watch, in the space of two days. That's a huge accomplishment! And instead of being grateful that I was able to do that much in such a short time, I was too focused on what I still have left to do. I'm so worried about how things will turn out and about the grade that I'll get on them that it's causing me all sorts of undue stress.

Part of the problem (I can't remember if I've said this here or not) is that I don't have non-school activities to keep my school-activity-time focused. I feel like everything I do is either goofing-off and free time, or it's doing homework. I don't have soccer or working out or koinonia or music or the cafeteria or chapel or theater to do just to do. Everything that I do, whether it is running a couple miles or spending time playing the piano, usually sightreading, or reading my Bible, seems to be geared towards some end, some goal, some growth in my life.

Shouldn't that be a fabulous thing? I'm growing and changing and challenging and stretching myself. I'm trying to be conscious of how I love the people around me. I'm attempting to become more like Christ. I'm using my gifts and talents and resources to become more well rounded.

Somehow, I have missed out on the "play" aspect of this semester. Yes, I've done a lot of amazing things. But it almost seems as though they are all things that I should be using and internalizing to understand and shape my identity for the future. What happened to playing cards just because it's fun? Why do I have to now think of it as something that I can do to interact and build relationship with those around me? Why can't I just sit and watch a movie? Why do I have to tear it apart and analyze it? Why do I have to run for fitness, instead of having the option to play soccer just because it's fun?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to growth. And one of the quotes that I have held onto since Great Ideas in high school - one of the few, as the more I think about it I hated that class, especially senior year - is Chesterton, saying "The Christian life has never been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried."

The other quote is one that is also from GI, but also from a dear friend: "We scarcely ever think of the present; and if we do, it is only to take light from it to arrange the future... So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so."

Now, in theory, I'm all for learning and growing and changing. It just seems like everything in my life right now, especially in academics, is geared towards that. What can I have and hold onto that it is just me, and not what I am growing into? What can I do just to have fun, without worrying about what will allow me to have fun or joy or happiness later? And how do I balance that with the very real needs of doing homework and assignments that I have now?

I'm very much excited for Christmas break, to come home and relax and let my mind slow down a little. Granted, that may not be what God has for me, but I'm hoping. For some small part of it, at least.

For now, I am trying to live out two things that I have read and learned in the last couple weeks. The first is Biblical, from 1 Peter: "Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." The other is from one of the books from my Independent Study - the idea that lamentation to God is still a very vital and important part of worship, because it is giving Him His proper place in your life - the place of Lord. It is claiming the promise that He is in control of your life and will bring you to the end of it allright.
No, I'm not presuming to know when that is, or how far away it is - but if God is for us, who can be against us? He is in control, and He provides for and loves the sparrows, so who am I to worry about something as trite (on the eternal scale) as homework?

Not easy, but I'm trying to learn.